JNN, Green Bay - The Green Bay Packers, pre-season Super Bowl darlings, have traveled the first quarter of the road to the playoffs whilst dropping bodies off on the gritty, narrow shoulder.
Ryan Grant. Morgan Burnett. Nick Barnett. All carved up in plastic bags like a truck stop lizard.
Yet given the chance to start filling in gaps like the 1996 Packers did en route to the Super Bowl, the current Packers' brass is confident in their depth.
"I was just telling the team on Monday, 'Get your heads up, boys. We just beat one of the most pathetic teams in the history of the game. By the skin of our teeth. Thanks to one future Hall of Famer stepping up and single handedly saving our asses. Be proud. Yeah, we sucked. And part of our game plan was atrocious. But we could actually be better, and that's something to take pride in," said head coach Mike McCarthy.
When asked why his team has not taken the season by the horns and not covered glaring injury holes via trade, GM Ted Thompson was adamant that this team was still the team to beat.
"I am confident in this team. We believe in the guys on this roster or they wouldn't be hear. We lose Ryan Grant? We fully believe that the Easter Bunny will step in and pick up the slack. No Nick Barnett? Ernie is a hungry and angry inside backer, especially when we run our 'Burt' defensive package, and we are completely confident that his puppet like dedication to his coaching will fill the gap. We are a little worried about Charlie Peprah at safety, though. Peprah is a damn fictional character."
The coach and GM have the full confidence of the team President, Mark Murphy.
"Huh, what, there's a season going on? Wait, I thought we started the lock out already? Ziggy Wilf told me that we were going to break those bastard players that I helped make so rich in my playing days this season. That son of a ..."
But even if their season goes to hell in a hand basket, Packer Hall of Famer and Milwaukee area sports commentator Mark Chmura sees a silver lining in this year.
"No matter what happens, that turn coat, fair weather friend turned asshole Brett Favre is going to get his comeuppance in a purple uniform."
This article was satire. Don't like it? Take it up with older twin of Jenn Sterger, Deanna Favre.