Tuesday, March 04, 2008

U.S. State, 160, Commits Suicide

(Jiblog News Network)-In a stunning turn of events, the U.S. state of Wisconsin was found dead today of an apparent suicide.

The state was found hanging from a tree near Lake Superior by the state of Minnesota.

"I was just looking wistfully out across the Mississippi River like I do everyday," said the melancholy Land of 10,000 Lakes. "The scene was different, though. Wisconsin wasn't there. I looked up and there it was, swinging from that tree."

Federal officials were immediately called to the scene. Resuscitation was attempted but the state, weakened from years of being bled dry by high taxes, never regained consciousness.

This afternoon, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced that a suicide note had been found near the U.P. of Michigan. While the text of the note has not yet been released, confidential sources say that it showed a state extremely distraught and depressed over the retirement announcement by Green Bay Packer Brett Favre.

Officials are very concerned about the U.P. of Michigan, as it has been taking Wisconsin's death particularly hard. Late this afternoon, the U.P. was seen wailing and muttering, "No dere, no way, not Favre, not Wisconsin." A suicide watch may be placed on the Upper Peninsula as its lifelong partner, Lower Michigan, is broke and on life support, further deepening the U.P.'s grief.

Funeral arrangements are pending, but relatives are asking that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to Illinois so it can finally have a football team.

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