(JNN) Welter Air today announced a revolutionary new plan to help it cope with high fuel prices. Starting on November 26, 2008, the airline will remove passengers from its flights to reduce the weight of planes, saving untold billions.
In a statement to reporters, Welter CEO Walter Flounder said that this lean operation plan should also reduce crowding on planes and help the airline return to profitability by 2012.
"Many of our loyal customers may see this as a negative, but in reality we are offering an incredible customer service.
"No longer will our customers have to worry about long lines, delays, cancellations, or unpleasant, crowded flights."
The company is assuring customers that pre-paid, checked baggage will make it to their final destination most of the time. Those customers who must actually fly to their destinations will have the option of paying a $300 butt-in-seat fee to be transported to the flight's destination.
Other airlines are closely watching Welter's plan and most are expected to eventually follow suit. Industry experts are hailing the move as a customer service and profitability model that will forever change the airline business for the better.
(This post is satire)
Jiblog is the intellectual repository of a Midwestern, gas guzzlin', beer chuggin', one woman lovin', son of a bitch conservative.
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Thursday, December 06, 2007
RIAA suit takes new approach to copyright enforcement
(JNN) Signaling a new a new approach to its efforts to enforce copyrights, the RIAA today filed a $2.7 million lawsuit against 5 year Meghan Grabowski. According to the suit, the RIAA claims that Grabowski owes royalties for the 872 times that she's sung along to the album Crunchy Munchy Music by The Wiggles in her mother's minivan.
In the papers filed with the court, the RIAA asserts that by singing in a venue (the 2003 Ford Windstar owned by her mother Sarah) in front of two or more people (her mother, her brother, and her father), Grabowski was compelled to pay royalties on the music used in her performances.
John Allen, a representative for the RIAA, says that his organization is not trying to bully music consumers.
"Not in the least. We don't care if you sing a copyright protected song when you are by yourself. And we certainly don't care if you sing a song in your head, even though there is some legality issues there with multiple personality sufferers. We just want to make sure that everyone gets a payday. Except that thieving little snot."
When asked for comment, Sarah Grabowksi said that if she could sue her daughter for pain suffering, she do it herself.
In the papers filed with the court, the RIAA asserts that by singing in a venue (the 2003 Ford Windstar owned by her mother Sarah) in front of two or more people (her mother, her brother, and her father), Grabowski was compelled to pay royalties on the music used in her performances.
John Allen, a representative for the RIAA, says that his organization is not trying to bully music consumers.
"Not in the least. We don't care if you sing a copyright protected song when you are by yourself. And we certainly don't care if you sing a song in your head, even though there is some legality issues there with multiple personality sufferers. We just want to make sure that everyone gets a payday. Except that thieving little snot."
When asked for comment, Sarah Grabowksi said that if she could sue her daughter for pain suffering, she do it herself.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Tragedy at the North Pole! Christmas Cancelled!
Tragedy struck the North Pole today as global warming, caused by man, led to a miscommunication that saw the Canadian and Danish navies obliterate the base of operations for world renown Santa Claus.
The confusion began when the Navies for both nations detected a terribly powerful blast deep in the Arctic Circle. Canada and Denmark have been butting heads over claims to the Arctic ever since man made global warming began melting the ice, killing polar bears, and opening up potentially lucrative shipping lanes. After detecting the blast, both navies feared it was an opening salvo from the other and unleashed their full military fury on the site of the blast.
The tragedy of the situation did not become apparent until the smoke cleared. Scout teams were dispatched and discovered that the headquarters for Claus had been heavily damaged. Hundreds of dead and dying elves were scattered across the tundra. One dying elf who had witnessed the day's events reported a pop gun had accidentally discharged in the toy workshop. Experts believe that this pop gun, which approximates the strength of the strongest guns in both the Canadian and Danish navies, may have set off the terrible barrage.
Casualties are uncertain at this early hour. At least 300 hundred elves are estimated to be dead. No reindeer have yet been recovered but several fully charbroiled venison steaks have been sustaining first responders to the scene. Also, the two human residents, Mr. and Mrs. Claus, have not yet been accounted for. A spokeself for Claus, visibly shaken by the discovery of a red mitten still holding a cookie, announced that Christmas will be canceled this year, and asked that everyone pray for Claus.
Former American Vice President Al Gore immediately flew on his private jet to the scene. He is expected to make a speech later in the day to blame this on the evil man made global warming, Claus for his use of heavily polluting reindeer technology for travel, and George W. Bush.
(This is satire. For any of you kids out there that might stumble upon this, that means that none of the above is true. It is just a made up story used to amuse adults and to make a point. Christmas is on and Santa and his entire team are just fine).
The confusion began when the Navies for both nations detected a terribly powerful blast deep in the Arctic Circle. Canada and Denmark have been butting heads over claims to the Arctic ever since man made global warming began melting the ice, killing polar bears, and opening up potentially lucrative shipping lanes. After detecting the blast, both navies feared it was an opening salvo from the other and unleashed their full military fury on the site of the blast.
The tragedy of the situation did not become apparent until the smoke cleared. Scout teams were dispatched and discovered that the headquarters for Claus had been heavily damaged. Hundreds of dead and dying elves were scattered across the tundra. One dying elf who had witnessed the day's events reported a pop gun had accidentally discharged in the toy workshop. Experts believe that this pop gun, which approximates the strength of the strongest guns in both the Canadian and Danish navies, may have set off the terrible barrage.
Casualties are uncertain at this early hour. At least 300 hundred elves are estimated to be dead. No reindeer have yet been recovered but several fully charbroiled venison steaks have been sustaining first responders to the scene. Also, the two human residents, Mr. and Mrs. Claus, have not yet been accounted for. A spokeself for Claus, visibly shaken by the discovery of a red mitten still holding a cookie, announced that Christmas will be canceled this year, and asked that everyone pray for Claus.
Former American Vice President Al Gore immediately flew on his private jet to the scene. He is expected to make a speech later in the day to blame this on the evil man made global warming, Claus for his use of heavily polluting reindeer technology for travel, and George W. Bush.
(This is satire. For any of you kids out there that might stumble upon this, that means that none of the above is true. It is just a made up story used to amuse adults and to make a point. Christmas is on and Santa and his entire team are just fine).
Friday, March 30, 2007
World emplores UN to create more serious words
AP- In a move that then entire world has dreaded for years, Great Britain today asked the United Nations to pass a resolution that "deplored" Iran's decision to seize fifteen British sailors.
By taking "deplore" off the table, the community of nations is now devoid of all serious words that sound scary in resolutions. Many member nations fear this may greatly reduce the effectiveness of the UN.
Canadian international expert Claude Lemieux thinks the Brits acted irresponsibly.
"It is clear that the British are international rogues. The world community has been clinging to the phrase "dire consequences" for years now because it knew that once we explored deploring, we were going to be at the end of the line. How will anyone take the UN serious once we've over used 'deplore'? I ask you, how will the UN accomplish anything without the linguistic tools to do so? We need to create more serious words, preferably of French origin, in order to maintain world peace."
Some Brits and Americans think that the UN still has linguistic wiggle room. In fact, British factory work John Stanislaw struck a note of hope by opening a new range of UN condemnations.
"We've not yet broken into our insults of the French. We should be able to keep the UN going for another 20 years with just resolutions denouncing nations as being like the bloody frogs."
By taking "deplore" off the table, the community of nations is now devoid of all serious words that sound scary in resolutions. Many member nations fear this may greatly reduce the effectiveness of the UN.
Canadian international expert Claude Lemieux thinks the Brits acted irresponsibly.
"It is clear that the British are international rogues. The world community has been clinging to the phrase "dire consequences" for years now because it knew that once we explored deploring, we were going to be at the end of the line. How will anyone take the UN serious once we've over used 'deplore'? I ask you, how will the UN accomplish anything without the linguistic tools to do so? We need to create more serious words, preferably of French origin, in order to maintain world peace."
Some Brits and Americans think that the UN still has linguistic wiggle room. In fact, British factory work John Stanislaw struck a note of hope by opening a new range of UN condemnations.
"We've not yet broken into our insults of the French. We should be able to keep the UN going for another 20 years with just resolutions denouncing nations as being like the bloody frogs."
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