Christmas Regrets

A lot of people regret things during the Christmas season. For those of you that do have some holiday regrets, I'd like to cheer you up by letting you know that even our biggest Christmas icons have regrets about Christmas 2008.

Five Things Santa Regrets about Christmas 2008
5. He let the reindeer eat Taco Bell the night before the trip.
4. Violating the air space over Dick Cheney's residence the same night he gave him a new shotgun.
3. Stopping to use the bathroom at the Minneapolis airport.
2. Letting Mrs. Claus talk him into wearing the thong she gave him for their anniversary.
1. Not getting a piece of the bail out action.

Five Things Rudolph regrets about Christmas 2008
5. Hitting on Vixen at the company Christmas party.
4. Hitting on Prancer at the company Christmas party.
3. Leading the sleigh into the wind farm that cost Comet his tail.
2. Posing for the holiday spread in Playdoe.
1. That shotgun Santa gave Cheney.

Santa Claus Requests Bailout

North Pole- In a press conference today, jolly gift giver Santa Claus told the press that without a bailout from U.S. Federal government, dire consequences would follow for Christmas.

"Ho ho hum. Times are hard here at the North Pole. I've had to take on considerable debts to acquire the electronic gifts that today's children desire. With the tight credit markets, this Christmas might not happen.

"I also face the prospect of laying off half my elves, quite literally throwing them out in the cold on their tiny little asses.

"I implore the U.S. Government to save Christmas."

Critics are already on record against the Claus bailout. Citing the exorbitant wages and benefits the Elven Toy Workers Union have extracted from the North Pole, they say Claus would be better served filing for bankruptcy.

Critics also point out Claus's failure to modernize his shops. The North Pole still largely produces wooden toys and simple dolls, toys that today's market of children find passe and old fashioned. Claus's booming debt has in part been occurred by purchasing modern toys at retail. Compounding matters is the fact that much of that debt has been compiled on a weary, high interest Citi Card.

Some in Congress are already questioning the cost effectiveness of Claus's use of a private sleigh on Christmas Eve. They want Claus to switch his package delivery to the U.S. Postal Service. But some on the Hill are quickly lining up on Claus's behalf. Stating the rolling effect a Claus bankruptcy would have on the rest of the economy, they have called Claus, "Too big to fail." And after all, this one would be for the children.

From Where He Sits

I'd like to take a moment to introduce you to a friend of mine. Elliot Stearns writes the blog From Where I Sit, and while I have only met him once (that I can remember...cause I drinks a bit), I can say he is a hell of a guy, and let me tell you why.

One Tuesday night, I ventured out to Milwaukee, a fifty minute drive for me, to meet with some fellow bloggers at a bar. Most of the night is still bleary, but I clearly remember getting up to leave. I shouldn't have been driving. Elliot came up to me like he was going to give me a big, friendly goodbye, but instead of shaking my hand, he rolled his wheel chair onto my foot. He gave me a choice: He could break my foot or I could give him my keys.

I, of course, gave him my keys. I was a little sloppy, but I wasn't stupid. I was in a fix, though, as I was the only person heading back to Jefferson County. Quick thinker that he is, Elliot told me he had just the solution. I followed him out to his oversized van and there in the back was an extra motorized wheelchair. He offered to let me take it home as long as he got to hold onto my keys. It was a deal I couldn't pass up.

So I got into the chair, we said out goodbyes, and I took off. The chair itself was nice, but the voice synthesizer and the mouth control were a little odd, especially considering Elliot can use his arms. Plus the mouthpiece tasted like stale Twinkies and Pall Mall's. But still, I was appreciative and the chair was pretty fun...until the battery died.

So here I am, about a block from Mayfair Mall, drunk with a dead motorized wheelchair and working legs. I figured my night was going to get very awkward. It was then I heard a honking horn. Who was coming to my rescue again that night but Elliot!

Sharp guy that he is, he figured out what was wrong at the sight of me. Generous soul that he is, he offered to give me a hitch and head to Jefferson County. I thanked him profusely, got back in the chair, and squealed with terrified joy as he pushed me with the van. The ride was a blast. Only twice did he lose me. I feel terrible to this day that I prolonged his evening by an hour the second time when I veered off the interstate and lost consciousness.

But that's the kind soul that Elliot is. He could have just left me there, but he waited. When we got back to my place, I loaded his chair back into the van, shook his hand, and off he went. I am eternally grateful that he was looking out for me that night, but I do have just one question. Elliot, when am I going to get my keys back?

If Obama Wins Tonight...

...and it is looking favorable for him, let's just hope that retirement communities in Florida don't riot over the results. Nobody wants that. Nobody.

Great Speech By Sarah Palin

But I'm almost embarrassed to admit to what part relieved me the most. Can you guess just what that was?

Answer? No pants suit.

Airline to charge extra for butts in seats

(JNN) Welter Air today announced a revolutionary new plan to help it cope with high fuel prices. Starting on November 26, 2008, the airline will remove passengers from its flights to reduce the weight of planes, saving untold billions.

In a statement to reporters, Welter CEO Walter Flounder said that this lean operation plan should also reduce crowding on planes and help the airline return to profitability by 2012.

"Many of our loyal customers may see this as a negative, but in reality we are offering an incredible customer service.

"No longer will our customers have to worry about long lines, delays, cancellations, or unpleasant, crowded flights."

The company is assuring customers that pre-paid, checked baggage will make it to their final destination most of the time. Those customers who must actually fly to their destinations will have the option of paying a $300 butt-in-seat fee to be transported to the flight's destination.

Other airlines are closely watching Welter's plan and most are expected to eventually follow suit. Industry experts are hailing the move as a customer service and profitability model that will forever change the airline business for the better.

(This post is satire)

"It's designed to cover a small part of your rear end."

Great advice for the next time you plan on slathering your abs with Preparation H.

Beer, it does a body good

I always intuitively knew this:

A beer after playing a game of football, a long run, or a strenuous round of golf can be good for the body, scientists say.

In a rare piece of good news for those who like a pint, Spanish researchers say beer can help someone who is dehydrated retain liquid better than water.

Prof Manuel Garzon, of Granada University, also claimed the bubbles in beer help to quench the thirst and that its carbohydrate content can help to replace lost calories.

Beer League Softball, it isn't just for the unhealthy anymore.

Got Milk?

Man, the AP is just full of strange stories tonight. Take this one, for example:

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) -- A woman who doesn't want her breast milk to go to waste has taken out a newspaper ad in hopes of selling it. Martha Heller, 22, of Tiffin, took out the ad in The Gazette, offering 100 ounces of her breast milk for $200 or the best offer.

Heller said her freezer is overflowing with breast milk that she has pumped since August. Her 4-month-old daughter won't drink from a bottle and the supply is piling up.

I really, really hope there wasn't a milk mustache in her ad.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for electrons?

This kills me:

Humans could marry robots within the century. And consummate those vows.

"My forecast is that around 2050, the state of Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots," artificial intelligence researcher David Levy at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands told LiveScience. Levy recently completed his Ph.D. work on the subject of human-robot relationships, covering many of the privileges and practices that generally come with marriage as well as outside of it.

Ha! Massachusetts! That's too funny. Why not California? Silicon Valley is near San Francisco, and one would think they'd want their robots to be happy, right?

This prediction has one thing going against it-do you have to marry something that you can shut off? It also has one thing going for it-the robot can be shut off.

Ye Olde Time Solution to Low Fertility Rates

With Russia trying novel ways to boost fertility rates and writers looking at even more ways, I say let's look back in history to see what our ancestors did. With that, I am going to quote this entry from (*cough*) Uncle John's Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader by The Bathroom Readers' Institute (Page 72, Bathroom Readers' Press 2006, First Printing):

• BACHELOR TAX. A favorite strategy of governments to encourage population growth and raise money at the same time. Julius Caesar tried it in 18 B.C. The English imposed it in 1695. The Russians under Peter the Great used it in 1702, as did the Missouri legislature in 1820. The Spartans of ancient Greece didn't care about the money-they preferred public humiliation. Bachelors in Sparta were required to march around the public market in wintertime stark naked, while singing a song making fun of their unmarried status.

I think the Spartan method is more a form of shrinkage than a tax.

The good news is that nobody ate it

The bad news is a German man lost part of his head to a bad fridge.

A German court has awarded 3,000 euros ($4,100) in damages to a man who had to have the top of his skull replaced with plastic because of a faulty hospital fridge.

Doctors removed the top of the man's head and put it in cold storage while they operated on his brain, the court in the western city of Koblenz said Tuesday.

Because the refrigerator was defective, the section of skull was not kept cool enough and could not be reattached. Doctors replaced the bone with a plastic prosthesis.

I've worked in offices where people would graze on just about anything in the fridge that wasn't there's. At least the surgeons didn't walk in to find the OBGYN gnawing on the piece of head.

Do the moose not love the planet?

Gaia must be very disappointed with all of her creatures:

Norway is concerned that its national animal, the moose, is harming the climate by emitting an estimated 2,100 kilos of carbon dioxide a year through its belching and farting.

Norwegian newspapers, citing research from Norway's technical university, said a motorist would have to drive 13,000 kilometers in a car to emit as much CO2 as a moose does in a year.

Maybe we can fit them with cowtalytic converters?

Creepy

But the Chuck Norris part kicks ass.

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I say creepy because as a high school baseball player, I had a terrible problems with infected ingrown toenails on my right big toe, which was also my push off foot when I pitched. It was quite painful, and after games my big toe would look like it was about to fall off. Meanwhile, my dirty, soiled sock would usually smell like I had died in it. It's like the silly random obituary generator knows me...especially when it comes to Chuck Norris missing me terribly after I die.

Why punish innocent Iraqis?

Settling Iraqi refugees in Beirut, I can understand. But Detroit? Why do that to these poor people? Haven't they suffered enough?

Immigration aid workers here expect that as many as half of the nearly 7,000 Iraqi refugees who will be brought into the United States by the end of September will settle in the area.

Lutheran Social Services of Michigan has received government data on numerous refugees recommended for resettlement, said Belmin Pinjic, the service's director of refugee services.

"That's the first sign that someone is in the process and should be coming," he said. "How long that process should take, we don't know."

The agency has already started to contact the prospective refugees' family members who live in the Detroit area, Pinjic said.

The only good news is it should be cheaper for them to buy a house in Detroit then, say, Fallujah.

(For the ill humored, this post should be read as written...with tounge in cheek.)

Veronica Mars cancelled

This is going to make the lovely Mrs Jib angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.

The CW network canceled the cult hit "Veronica Mars" and will try to pick up steam in its second year with series about the snobby rich, transplanted families and a bounty hunter for the devil.

The network, created out of the ashes of the former WB and UPN, had already ended the long-running family dramas "7th Heaven" and "Gilmore Girls." On Thursday the ax fell on "Veronica Mars," which starred Kristen Bell as a wisecracking teenage private eye.

I'm going to see her tonight and it is going be all, "The lovely Mrs. Jib ANGRY! The lovely Mrs. Jib SMASH!" Not pretty, folks. Not pretty.

Update
I've spoken with her. She blames all of you out there for not watching Veronica Mars. Fortunately, I'm exempted as a member of her household.

Respect the chickens on May 4th

I just want to remind everyone that Friday, May 4th is International Respect for Chickens Day. And the reason I'd like to remind everyone of that is because May 4th is the anniversary of the day that Chuck the Rooster's voice was forever silenced...and my neighbor's garage started to smell bad. So if you get hungry on May 4th, remember: Eat a cow, not a chicken (the smug bovine bastards).

"...the first time in history that fire has ever melted steel."

Remember that snippet of a comment from Rosie O'Donnell, referencing her belief that fire from two planes could not have brung down the World Trade Center? It is absurd on its face, but just the same, I bring you this:

A section of freeway that funnels traffic off the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge collapsed early Sunday after a gasoline tanker truck overturned and caught fire, authorities said.

The heat from the fire was intense enough to melt part of the freeway and cause the collapse, but the truck's driver walked away from the scene with second-degree burns.

I'll be damned. It must have been a Bush-Rove-Cheney-Halliburton conspiracy to punish the Bay Area for Nancy Pelosi, because we all know fire can't melt steel.

Wait...what?

Found by the lovely Mrs. Jib on the back of a turtle cheesecake box sold by a popular school fundraising organization:

Serving size: 1/6 cake
Servings per container: 8

Huh? This is a whole, round cheesecake.

A picture, a thousand words

I love this picture. It makes me think of nights out with some of my best friends.