Founding Fathers address the press

Philadelphia- The spirits of America's Founding Fathers called a remarkable and unprecedented press conference today to discuss an issue that has been disturbing their peace in the ever after.

Gathering with reporters at Independence Hall, the animated Founders opened the press conference with a statement by Benjamin Franklin.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we gather with you today to make one request upon all Americans: Please stop trying to divine our opinions as if we were modern Americans. We do not have access to television where we are, and frankly, what we've seen in our return scares the hell out of us. You've made some remarkable advances, but we don't understand them. Because we don't understand them, we don't understand your present society. Why, just one day last week my soul was hit with 10,000 statements that claimed the founders would not approve of warrantless wire taps. I turned to Sam (Adams) and said, 'I don't know what they are doing down there, but if there is good ale in those wires, I don't see a reason why they would need a warrant to tap them.' (Laughter) Then old Sam said 'You devil, Ben. There wasn't a female in our day you wouldn't tap.' (More laughter). Anyway, we beseech you to stop divining our opinions. It is seriously disturbing our ever after. We hope that our fellow countrymen have carried on the principals that we believed in, but this is your country now. You have to make what we bequeathed you work or have the courage to start anew."

The first 12 questions from reporters went to Thomas Jefferson, all asking about his relationship with Sally Hemmings. Jefferson, clearly frustrated, angrily told the reporters, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Hemmings," before vaporizing.

When asked his opinion about the Iraq War, President Washington reacted in a stunned fashion and posed a question back to reporters.

"What is wrong with this America? What kind of stewards have you been of this nation? We would never have gone to war over a rack back in my day. And who exactly did we fight over a rack?"

The breakdown in communication between reporters and the Founders continued when one reporter asked about Guantanamo and President Adams made a derogatory slur when asking whether Guantamo was the Native American that Chester A. Arthur kept complaining about.

At that point, a frustrated Franklin called an abrupt end to the press conference and the Founders dissipated into a mist while reporters continued screaming questions. Most reporters present expect the approval ratings of President Washington, President Jefferson, and President Adams to drop after this performance.