Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Ten Mysterious Communications from Men

Yahoo tries to decipher men and women for each other on regular basis, and those features never cease to amuse me. Their latest piece, "Man Talk" Translation, is no different. So I've decided to semi-fisk it. Ladies, I'm going to add some context and alternate meanings to their ten pearls of wisdom. Keep in mind, I'm not some cornball dating coach, I'm a married man who is just offering you the real dirt.

1. He starts talking about how crazy all his single friends lives are, and then he tells you that he doesn't miss it at all. What most women will think if they hear this, is that he misses those days. This is not true. He says this because he is looking for confirmation that you feel exactly the same way. He also wants to communicate that he's ready to take the relationship to the next level.

Dude is tired of the dating scene and he is comfortable being out of it with you. Don't assume the ring is just around the corner. He's a guy, so he's pretty literal.

2. Since you recently took him to your family's house for dinner, he can't stop talking about how much fun he had with your brother. What he means here is that he really likes your family, and wouldn't mind being a part of your family.

As it turns out, they like the same beer and sports. They probably drank beer and watched sports. And grunted to each other during timeouts. It doesn't mean he likes your mother, although he might. But he might not.

3. He teases you about things like how clumsy you are or about how you put smiley faces in every one of your emails. What he's really telling you when he does this is that he really likes you a lot. Remember that men are just giant boys... we tease the ones we love and ignore the ones we don't.

He gets this one right, but remember, it has to be good nature teasing. Needling and riding you isn't teasing, and that guy is probably just an asshole.

4. A man tells you he needs his space. So what does this mean to you? It means that you need to ignore him and not call him. Men love the chase. By not calling him, he'll start calling you and wondering what happened.

Methinks the author is throwing his bros a bone here. If he says he needs his space, give it to him, but realize that completely ignoring him may mean that you'll never hear from him again. If so, he ain't that into you, so let him go...but you are free to bash him to all of your friends.

5. A man says that he really wants you to meet his parents. What does this mean in man talk? He's telling you that you are his girlfriend, and that he is ready to take it to the next level by getting you involved with his family. This brings us right to the next bit of man talk.

If you haven't figured out you're his girlfriend by this point, you probably need some remedial classes on "guy signals," and this list is doctorate level stuff for you.

6. When a man calls you and says, "I want you to meet my friends on Friday night," this is as big as meeting his parents. He's introducing you to his pack. It means that he thinks you are attractive and sexy, and he wants to show you off to his friends.

If his "pack" howls at the moon and hunts domesticated animals, be very wary. Seriously though, you'd better hope it means that he's into you. If he's just doing it because he thinks you're sexy and attractive, he may be showing off his trophy, not his gal.

7. After sleeping over at his house several times, he tells you that the next time you sleep over you should bring some things to make you feel more comfortable and a change of clothing. In man talk, that is basically telling you that he's wondering what it would be like to live with you. He also wants your things around.

He certainly could be saying that. He could also be saying that he likes the fringe benefits of you staying over, and he wants to make it easier to enjoy those fringe benefits more often.

8. You have plans with him on a Sunday, and you find out that he passed up floor seats to his favorite basketball team to keep those plans with you. What does that tell you in man talk? It tells you that he's hooked... and that you are his girlfriend.

Ladies, this has even more meaning than the author lets on. It means he is completely whipped and you own him. Try not to take advantage of the poor soul. I love and adore the lovely Mrs. Jib, but c'mon, we're talking floor seats here. This would be like you passing on a 90% off sale on [your favorite product] at [your favorite store].

9. He is watching one of your favorite shows on a night you're not together, and he calls you afterwards to talk about it. In man talk, what does this mean? By doing this, he's telling you that he pays attention to you, and he's interested in learning more about you and sharing more things with you. Men generally do not choose to watch "Project Runway" on their own. If we're watching your TV shows, we really like you.

Stop! The author gets this one completely wrong. He'd have it right if your guy watches the show with you. But if he watches Sex in the City on his own and calls you up to chat about it, he might be your gay best friend, not your boyfriend.

10. He tells you, "I've cleaned today." What this means in man talk is, "I spent the day doing something I dislike more than anything." You need to realize that when a man says this to you, he really likes you. To most men, cleaning the house is just about the worst way he can spend a day.

Partially incorrect. In man talk, he's saying, "I spent the entire day...well, in between beers and ball to impress you. Don't count on me doing this forever, because I didn't even do that great a job, which I'm hoping you'll notice."

I hope this helps, ladies. The dating coach is really good at theory, but he missed some real world things. I'm glad I could fill in some of the holes for you.

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