Beer

I just haven't been myself over here lately. It has been forever since I've spoken on one of my favorite topics-beer. I'm sure my party of 7 enjoys God's nectar, and I just haven't been meeting my readers wants and needs of late. So here we go. I've always said that beer is good for you, as long as you don't over do it (frequently). I worked at the greatest brewery in the world, Leinenkugel's, and I learned that a cut from a broken bottle could be cleaned with fresh beer, and it seemed that it would heal faster than a cut that was left to its own. Still, liberals have been whining about beer and other alcoholic beverages for years (Binge drinking=4 drinks in one evening. I call that a good start). To liberal hand wringing, I always quote Benjamin Franklin: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." I'm also fond of this line from Cliff Claven on Cheers:

Well you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A joke, right? Au contraire, monfraire. A recent study indicates that moderate drinking makes the mind sharper. This would fit well into Clavenism. That's why you should read more about this in my new book, "Booze, Cigars, and Gracie-Why George Burns Lived to be a Damn Old Man." (Nod to Kevin Nealon for my blatant theft of his comic stylings on that last line).