Saturday, October 15, 2005

A message to the single ladies

Dear single ladies,

Let me begin this message by removing any awkwardness. I'm married, and I ain't interested in ya. Good, now that we have that out of the way, we can talk.

Ladies, I'm sure that the search for the right man is a difficult one. Guys can be obnoxious, testosterone filled pick up line machines. I know that when you go out for a simple night with the girls, you have to put up with a lot of unwanted attention from guys who are looking for one thing. And when you are out on the town actually looking for guys, it is even worse. So I sympathize with your various tricks to throw these blood hounds of your tracks. You need to do things like give out fake numbers, but we really need to discuss your etiquette.

Fake numbers is the tactic I'd like to discuss with you. Giving them out is a necessity at times, I realize this. The only way you are going to get rid of some drunk, over-earnest frat boys is to give them a fake number. But you cannot keep giving out the same fake number over and over. And for the love of God, do not toy with these schlubs by promising them certain 'favors' if they call it. Let me tell you why.

One of your sisters in singlehood, a young woman whose name is apparently Jackie, likes to give out a fake number to guys that she wants to get rid of. She also promises them 'favors' if they call her. The problem is, Jackie always gives out the same fake number-my cell number. The first time I got a call in the middle of the night from some drunk loser looking for any easy piece from Jackie, it was kind of funny. But it got annoying quick. Frankly, I'm tired of getting calls from Jackie's drunken schlubs on Friday and Saturday nights. I'm tired of the weepy drunks who think there really is a Jackie here. I'm tired of the angry drunks who think I got with Jackie and now I'm trying to shield her from them. And I'm really tired of the guys who feel the need to tell me what obscene thing she promised them if they called. And the worst part about it is this is my cell number, so I have to pay to listen to this crap in the middle of the night.

Ladies, I know it is tough wading through a sea of jackasses trying to find a knight in shining armor. But you don't need saddle some other soul you've never met with it all. Spread the love and change your fake number up. Give a lot of people a chuckle. I've had my chuckle. Frankly, if I ever find out who Jackie is, her number is going to be on the restroom wall of every truck stop between here and New York City. Ladies, don't be a Jackie.


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