Toddle Inn

I walked into my favorite watering hole last night, a little place called Schell’s Toddle Inn. Some say old Schell named it the Toddle Inn because he’d serve anyone who could toddle in, stand at the bar on their own two feet and order a drink. I know for a fact the myth is untrue, because I’ve seen Schell serve people who could barely keep their own drool in their mouth, let alone stand. Just the same, I enjoy the Toddle Inn because there is no pretense in this pub, there is no meat market action (unless you count the regular’s hitting on Schell’s well endowed daughter who tends bar), it isn’t packed unless the local country western karaoke act is set up, and I can talk to a lot of normal, everyday people who don’t have the time to obsess about politics.

Last night I sat down, and from across the bar, I heard someone yell out at me.

“Hey, you. The guy with the funny looking yellow and blue hat.”

Yes, can I help you? And by the way, that’s an old Milwaukee Brewer hat.

“I think I know you. Ain’t you the guy who writes crap on the internet?”

Well, actually, yeah, I am. How did you know that? I didn’t think anybody read that but me.

“Oh no. Tons of us guys read it during our breaks down at the shop. I loved it when you broke the Monica story.”

Umm, thanks, but that wasn’t me.

“Too bad. That guy’s good. I still think I know you. From ‘round here?”

Yeah, I grew up around here. I’ve been gone a while.

“I’m Gordy Johanson. I work down at Stukie’s Body Shop.”

Nice to meet you Gordy, I’m Jib.

“Jib, huh? Anyway, you say you write. Do you write like that one guy on the internet.”

Sort of. He has a big audience. I influence the opinion of two people. Well, maybe not influence. They read my stuff. Sometimes. Actually, rarely. But I think…

“Intersting. Say, I got a question for you about that Kerry guy. Whatcha think of him?”

Well, I think he’s a self absorbed, wanna be elitist who wouldn’t be any good for this country as it’s Chief Exec…

“I’ll tell you. I heard that he wants to raise the minimum wage. That right?”

Yes, that’s right.

“I think that’s bunk. My wife’s been working down at the cardboard box plant here in town. Been there 4 years. She’s worked hard, and she just got a raise to $7.15 an hour. Now all that hard work she put in to get good reviews and raises is down the drain. They’ll be hiring kids right out of high school at $7.00. And her wages won’t raise any. Think that’s fair?”

No, I don’t.

“Me neither. I told her she should just do enough to get by. Every couple years some jerk is going to raise the minimum wage, anyway. Besides, they’ve been talking about closing the plant, anyway.”

Why?

“Well, I guess it is just too expensive to run. This is the only plant they have left here in America. The rest are in China and Mexico. I don’t get that Mexico plant. They pay less down there, so the Mexicans come up here in work in my wife’s plant. Anyway, they took her health care away to save her job. Good thing I can put her on mine. But now all these kids livin’ with their parents and illegal immigrants will be making about as much as my wife right off the bat. That ain’t fair.”

Do you think the plant will stay open?

“I don’t know. I doubt it. ‘Dem greedy corporate bastards will probably move it to get fatter wallets for themselves. Meanwhile, my wife will have to get a paper route or something until she gets a new job, iff’n they do close. She’s only got a GED.”

Would you blame Kerry for that?

“Nah. The minimum wage thing is unfair, but he’s for us little guys. He wants to protect our jobs. ‘Dem Democrats are for the little guy.”

I see. Are you voting for him, then?

“Hell no. I think all these guys are putzes, but I think he’s a dick. They all lie. I want a guy who tells lies to protect me though, not one who lies to get himself elected. I like what Bush did after 9-11, the way he got on that bullhorn and said what he said. I don’t like a lot of things he does, like that free pass for those illegals, but I think he’s lookin’ out for us more than himself.”

So you’re voting for Bush.

“Hell no. I said they’re all a bunch of lying putzes. I just like Bush better than that Kerry guy. My wife votes, though. Hopefully she’ll vote for Bush.”

Hopefully. Hopefully.