Thursday, December 29, 2005

2006 Predictions

Predictions aren't usually my thing, but I'm bored as hell this week so I'm going to try my hand at it. Bookmark this post and check in on it throughout the year.

International Predictions
*There will be more Muslim unrest and riots in France.
*The French auto industry will experience its first increase in output in decades.
*With Poland taking more of a leadership role in Europe, Polish jokes will become passe in the United States. Old Polish jokes will be refitted to become German jokes.
*Osama bin Laden releases a new video. It will be revealed that the video has been done in the Tupac Shakure "post-mortem" style.
*Sexual revolution will sweep the Muslim world. Muslim males will be agog at the new mid-ankle hemlines.
*Canada will piss and moan some more about the U.S. not wanting their soft wood.

National Predictions
*Hollywood, in acts of desperation, will release the following movies: My Two Dads: Marriage in Massachusetts, Quantum Leap takes on McCarthy, Mission Impossible XXVII: Scientology Saves the Universe, and Dude, Where's My Car 2 starring Ted Kennedy.
*Ashley Simpson will be seen dancing on the counter of a Burger King. It will be an attempt on her part to find a job.
*Howard Dean will refuse to appear on any show that any Republican has ever appeared on. He will also praise southern Democrats for single handedly keeping the chewing tobacco business in the black.
*By mid-year, Democrats will see that Howard Dean is a disaster as the DNC Chairman. They will forcibly replace him. With Michael Moore.
*Cindy Sheehan's 15 minutes of fame will run up when she participates in a nude anti-war rally in Washington D.C. More Americans will become ill from the footage than from the bird flu.

State Predictions
*Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle suffers a scary moment when hit by a loogie, snapping his head back, and to the left. After authorities initially suspect former Brewer Jim Gantner, Wisconsinites learn that it was really Pete Vukovich whose spit defiled the guv.
*Kathleen Falk suffers a setback in her attempt to unseat Peg Lautenschlager in the Democratic Attorney General primary when voters say, "No soup for you!"
*Wisconsin blogger Dad29 sets a Wisconsin blogging record untouched by even XOff and Folkbum: He manages to grump about at least one post from every conservative Wisconsin blogger. Conservative Wisconsin bloggers laugh it off and observe that Dad29 is just a cranky guy, kind of like their Uncle Eddie.
*Sheboygan's space port hopes are dashed when Johnsonville's "International Space Brat Grill" explodes on the launch pad. In a related note, Sheboygan's economy booms when thousands of Chicago Bears fans flood the city to eat the nicely grilled sausages that littered the city after the explosion.
*SABMiller devestates Anheuser Busch's market share when they reveal that A-B relief water sent to New Orleans after Katrina is chemically identical to Bud Light.
*Peg Lautenschlager wins the Democratic Primary for State Attorney General. She then devestates her Republican challenger with the campaign slogan, "Who can hate Doyle more than Peg?"
*Brett Favre retires. The Green Bay economy collapses.
*In an editorial, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel offensively calls Clarence Thomas an umlaut. Charlie Sykes manages to write an article that tears apart the Journal Sentinel using 87 umlauts.

*After hitting .223 through the first two months of the season, J.J. Hardy gets his ass kicked by Bench Coach Robin Yount. Yount comes out of retirement to play short stop while Hardy is on the 15 day disabled list. When Hardy is reactivated, Yount quits the team to join the motocross circuit.
*After hitting .250 through the first 3 months of the season, Ricky Weeks kicks Jim Gantner's ass because he thought he spit in the face of the Governor. Pete Vukovich chuckles.
*The Packers roll out a new ad campaign for 2006 titled "These Kids Can Play." Featured in the ad is their number one draft pick, running back Barry Bush, from the Esconaba Pee Wee Titans, age 10.
*After winning re-election to the U.S. Senate, Senator Herb Kohl dismantles a young Bucks team that was one shot from the NBA Finals. Replaces starters with Terry Cummings, Sidney Moncrief, Larry Krystkowiak, Jack Sikma, and Darvin Ham.
*Basking in the glow of Beer Pong, Anheuser Busch pulls all sponsorship and starts its own stock car racing league, which they call Beer CART. All racers must maintain a minimum .08 blood alcohol content throughout the races. Despite protests from MADD, the aptly named Kurt Busch wins the first Beer Cart Busch Light Quarter Barrel Plastic Cup.

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