Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Elisberg's "50 questions"

I don't know who Robert J. Elisberg is, but he is obviously famous and important enough to be part of Arianna Huffington's blogger club. On Thursday, he posted "50 Questions to Ask Any Republican." I guess I don't really see the point, but it has been a while since I've partaken in a pointless task so I am going to answer his questions here without any prodding from any lefties. Without further adieu, here we go.

1. What are the Top Seven best things that the Bush Administration has done?
Jib: Responding aggressively to radical Islamic terrorism, removing Saddam Hussein, responding proactively to the Clinton recession, continuously fighting against higher taxes, nominating good jurists to Federal courts, working through complicated diplomacy in regards to North Korea instead of relying on force, getting private account reform to Social Security in front of the nation despite the lack of reform,

2. Is the Iraq War is going well?
Jib: It certainly hasn't gone as quickly and smoothly as the Gulf War, but the project has been much bigger. It is difficult to say it isn't going well when you consider that Iraq has settled on a constitution and has developed a representative form of government more quickly than we did in the infancy of this country.

3. After three years thus far, when do you think Iraq might be able to "stand up" so that America can "stand down"?
Jib: Between 1 year and 2 years from this date. A little less than the amount of time it took for us to "stand down" in Germany and Japan after WWII.

4. For his part in the event, how would you rate the job the President did protecting New Orleans from devastation?
Jib: The responsibility for protecting New Orleans from devastation cannot be place on one President, or just the Federal Government, or just the state of Louisiana, or just the City of New Orleans. This disaster was facilitated by people at all levels of governments and the local community over 50 years. Giving a grade to one President is to place complete responsibility into one individual, which patently unfair. In the big picture, all levels of government performed poorly. The President's performance was fair at best.

5. How do you think the rebuilding of New Orleans is going?
Jib: Couldn't say, I haven't been there. I have talked with people in both that area and on the coast of Texas, and they describe rebuilding efforts from the hurricanes as slow.

6. When Dick Cheney and the oil company and energy executives met in private to plan America's energy policy, how much of their goal was to benefit consumers?
Jib: Can I get a citation on when this grand summit of the evil Cheney and the evil Oil Barons met to develop this Communist 5 year plan you are describing? If I were to speculate, I'd say that any conversation on national energy policy considers the well being of the national economy but not customer service, so to answer your question, not much specifically.

7. Do you believe in the President's call for an Era of Personal Responsibility?
Jib: Yes

8. Since Republicans control the White House, Senate and House of Representatives, how personally responsible are they for conditions in America today?
Jib: Partially, without a doubt, and their influence will continue to be felt 10, 25, and 50 years from now. Just like the actions of previous Democrat and Republican Presidents and Congresses have influence in the current conditions in America today.

9. Why do you think they haven't been able to find anyone who can verify that George Bush ever showed up for National Guard duty in Alabama?
Jib: Who the hell cared who George W. Bush was back then? That's your answer-nobody.

10. Would you want Donald Rumsfeld to plan your daughter's wedding?
Jib: Okay, bizarre question. No, no more so than I want government planning my retirement. But if he could bring some kickass fireworks to the reception, I'd appreciate that.

11. Are you aware that no government in the history of civilization, other than the Bush Administration, has lowered taxes during a war?
Jib: Great! Make that my 8th accomplishment of the administration

12. Are you married?
Jib: Yes

13. Do you personally feel threatened by gay marriage?
Jib: Nope. That doesn't mean that I think it is right.

14. Since getting elected, do you think the President has been more a uniter or a divider?
Jib: I think his best of intentions has been to be a uniter. Tough to unite with an opposition party that really has no motivation to unify with your party, though. The minority party doesn't regain the majority by unifying with the majority, and Democrats know it.

15. How do you explain the President's approval rating going from a high of 90% to the current mid-30%?
Jib: Two things. It has become quite common for second term presidencies to take a big popularity hit. Bush compounded this by pursuing some policies that really pissed off his core supporters. Most second terms (Truman excepted and Nixon excluded) end on a popularity high note, though. Bush can never top his post 9-11 high (and God help us if something happens that replicates it), but he'll rebound nicely by the end of his term.

16. Do you like the government collecting personal data on you without a warrant?
Jib: Not particularly. If I start chatting with al Qaeda in my sleep, though, I fully support them spying on my ass.

17. How much money do you have in your bank account, stocks and investments?
Jib: Less than you do, bucko.

18. What's your partner's favorite sex position?
Jib: It's called "The Taxpayer." I get to play the part of "Big Government."

19. If you have nothing to hide, why aren't you answering?
Jib: What? I did.

20. Should we build a wall along the Mexican border?
Jib: No. A good electric fence will do. We can use it to tie the California and Texas power grids together.

21. Why isn't anyone building a wall along the Canadian border?
Jib: When was the last time an illegal Quebec immigrant stole a social security number, and address, created a false identity, and worked here illegally, all while refusing to assimilate? Wait, check that last item. Besides, the environmentalist in me knows that it would impede the movement of the poor moose or caribou or something.

22. Does that terrorist gang arrested in Canada count as a threat?
Jib: Yes.

23. If you shot someone in the face while drinking, how fast would the police show up to arrest you?
Jib: Depends. I live in Wisconsin, so it may take a while. If I did it in Milwaukee, the answer to your question would be "never."

24. If Donald Rumsfeld had planned your daughter's wedding three years ago, would the guests still be there?
Jib: Huh? Are you trying to compare Iraq to a wedding, you fool? To answer your question, yes, if it were a hell of a party.

25. Even if no laws are broken, do you think it's okay to reveal the name of a covert agent?
Jib: Nope. Especially if you are married to her.

26. During your lifetime, approximately how often have you changed your mind?
Jib: Enough times.

27. Why shouldn't people dismiss you as a flip-flopper?
Jib: I don't change my mind on the toppings I like on my pizza because of the current popularity of pizza toppings. Likewise, I wouldn't change my mind on my support for a war just because of the latest poll, especially if my vote facilitated that war.

28. Where do you think the Weapons of Mass Destruction might be?
Jib: Most likely Syria, in the Bekka Valley. Although I'm sure Syria is doing its damnedest to make sure they are never tied to them.

29. Where do you think Osama bin Laden might be?
Jib: Either along the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan or Iran. Most likely the former, though.

30. Is it fiscally responsible to cut taxes, increase spending and create a $9 trillion federal debt?
Jib: On the cutting taxes, yes. On the increased spending, no.

31. Are you glad liberals passed such programs as Social Security, Medicare, the Civil Rights Act, women's suffrage, federal deposit insurance, unemployment compensation, rural electrification, child labor laws, minimum wages and the 40-hour work week?
Jib: More or less, yes, although several of those programs have significant flaws. Whatever happened to those kinds of liberals, and why won't the liberals of today fix the flaws?

32. What are the Top Ten best things that conservatives have given to America?
Jib: Reagonomics. Star Wars. The fall of Communism. The end of the Carter presidency. The ideals of the Contract with America. Welfare reform (nope, that wasn't Clinton's). National pride during the 1980's. The end of stagflation. A marginally more reasonable taxation policy. A strong, confident, and extremely talented military. Keep in mind, we conservatives are not about giving Americans bigger, more faulty, and more bloated government programs, like those listed in question 31.

33. If you were on life support, would you want a doctor you'd never met making a diagnosis about you via remote television?
Jib: It depends. Does this doctor want to see me live or die?

34. Do you think man-made greenhouse gases have anything at all to do with depleting the ozone layer?
Jib: Umm, I though CFC's depleted the ozone, and CO2 was the greenhouse gas.

35. If Donald Rumsfeld had planned your daughter's wedding three years ago, and guests were still there, how many factions would they now be split into?
Jib: Two. The pro-chicken dancers and the anti-chicken dancers.

36. How good is it that the terrorist Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi was killed?
Jib: Very good.

37. Are you aware that in 2002 the Pentagon knew where al-Zarqawi was and presented three separate plans to kill him, but the Administration refused to act each time?
Jib: Yes. Thank goodness Bill Clinton was never did anything like that with the architect of all of this terrorism, Osama bin Laden.

38. Is George W. Bush the kind of guy you'd want to sit down and have a beer with?
Jib: Well, I'd have a beer. I'd insist on a soda for the President. It would be pretty cool if Cheney were on shotgun with us, too.

39. When he started talking about being a Born Again Christian, would you want to stay or leave?
Jib: I'm fine with it. I'm a Christian, but the stodgy Lutheran kind, not the Evangelical type. Still, tolerance, right? Isn't that what a good liberal is full of?

40. Is Ray Romano the kind of guy you'd want to sit down and have a beer with?
Jib: Sure.

41. Would you want him to be President?
Jib: Depends. Is he a good conservative?

42. Does the Administration have an environmental policy that benefits the environment?
Jib: Yes. By defeating John Kerry, they reduced the level of hot air in the atmosphere by 50%.

43. Since George Bush campaigned for President strongly against nation building, in what ways are our actions in Iraq not nation building?
Jib: Funny how watching your nation attacked can change your perspective, isn't it? Or did your perspectives of the world not change?

44. What's the maximum amount of time you'd want to spend alone with Dick Cheney?
Jib: Depends on when my wife expects me home for "The Taxpayer."

45. After dismissing Saddam Hussein's old Iraqi army, was it a good idea to let them keep their rifles?
Jib: What difference was it going to make? Over half of them had already fled the military. And the Middle East isn't England-weapons are pretty easy to come by. Good idea? No. Big difference maker? No.

46. Would a policy that allows torture be something that makes you proud as an American?
Jib: If it prevented the deaths of thousands of my fellow countrymen, I think I could probably live with it.

47. Has the Mission been Accomplished?
Jib: The set piece military conflict with the nation of Iraq has, yes. The "Mission" of stamping out Islamic terror is no where near complete, though.

48. Do you feel comforted that Dick Cheney is a heartbeat away from being President?
Jib: Yes.

49. If Donald Rumsfeld had planned your daughter's wedding, and guests started fighting and were killed, would you expect to be allowed to view the caskets when they were returned home?
Jib: Yes, but I would be adamantly opposed to the press photographing them.

50. How glad do you think George Bush is that he's no longer active in the National Guard?
Jib: Probably pretty good. He is 60, you know.

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