Exclusive! After extensive research, Jiblog has uncovered the nefarious Bush "secret plan" to hurt dairy farmers, which John Kerry discussed in Wisconsin over the past weekend.
Unnamed sources in the Kerry campaign say the Senator was crawling around a woods outside of Washington DC, hunting "big bucks" when he overheard two Bush staffers discussing the secret plan. It seems Bush does plan to invade Iran after his re-election, and he plans to do it with dairy cows!
As this blog mentioned recently, there are now available robots with built in shot guns, which someday may take infantry work off of human soldiers. Since the current models are not yet sophisticated enough, Bush plans to draft Holsteins to do our dirty work. The unnamed Kerry staffer had this to say about the unnamed plan outlined by the unnamed Bush operatives:
"Apparently, the super duper ultra secret Bush people are planning to get back into the good graces of France by opening up the US market to French Dairy products. To do this, Bush must stomp all over the American Dairy Farmer. Bush remembered how mean and nasty dairy cows can be if you do not successfully tip them. In fact, he holds a grudge against cows for one kick he received after a particularly rowdy night with his frat brothers. He decided this was the best way to kill three or four birds with one stone."
When asked, one unnamed local dairy farmer had this to say. "I don't think its right. No milk for oil, I always say."
Further investigation reveals that American Bull Semen in Wisconsin stands to get a major kick back from all of this, as the few remaining 4F cows will need to be bred to restock the US dairy cow population.
"We have documents that we got from a mystery woman that say Bush plans to decimate the Argentine beef business after the Iran-Bovine war by flooding the market with beef gained by a genocide of our dairy soldiers. Its criminal. ABS in Wisconsin stands to make a lot of money off of this. It is just another sickening example of Bush enriching his rich cronies."
In other news, John Kerry today said in Massachusetts that he stands by the Northeast Dairy compact, which provides higher milk prices to producers the farther they are from Eau Claire Wisconsin, contradicting his own statement in Wisconsin that he would create a new compact more fair to them.
The above is satire, and not very good satire at that. If you did not enjoy this piece, please tell someone else.
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