Saturday, February 11, 2006

New Winter Olympics sports

Slate takes a look at the NBC claim that this year's Winter Olympic team is the best ever, and they come up with four reasons why it won't be. The fourth reason, that we "Invent sports that no one else cares about," got me thinking about some Wisconsin winter sports that we should push for the inclusion in future Winter Olympics. Without further adieu, here are my proposed new sports.

1. Ice prancing. Each contestant gets 2 two minute periods wearing hard soled dress shoes on an extra slick ice surface. In the first period, contestants are graded on a fast paced program in which their ability to remaining standing is judged. Judges look for technical moves such as the double-triple arm flail, the one leg master balance, and the forward lunge & catch. In the second period, the contestant's program is judged on their artisitic eating of ice. A complex computer scoring system looks at the technical aspects of bruising one's face without causing permanent brain damage. The scores are then combined, with the the highest three scores taking a place on the medal stand.

2. Wind chill sprint. This one is pretty straight forward. Contestants are outfitted in attire that is half as warm as it should be for the weather conditions. They then race each other from a large, warm shelter to another smaller one that only holds three people. The three who make it into the small shelter are the medalists. This Olympic game awards speed and raw brute strength, as participants are allowed to brawl at the entrance to the small shelter.

3. The closing time crawl. This game is popular with American college students. Contestants begin at a pub outside of the Olympic village. At the pub they drink for 6 consecutive hours. Then at closing time the race back to their rooms at the Olympic village begins. Again, all contestants are wearing clothes that are not warm enough for winter conditions. The real trick to this game comes in the fact that all contestants must urinate in the yards of at least two locals on their way back to the village. All contestants who are caught are immediately out of the race. The men's version of this game tends to be very fast paced, while the women's version revolves around strategy.

4. The teflon saucer. Over the years, high speed down hill sports have become entirely too safe. This sport would honor the crazed-but-handy American dads who have tried to build the fastest sledding experience possible for their children. Each participant uses a titanium saucer style sled that is coated with teflon and which only makes one square centimeter of contact with the sledding surface. The course is a 70 degree, ice covered hill that is dotted with evergreen trees. This is a timed race, so the fastest to the finishline wins. Time penalties are assessed for losing conciousness, dying, soiling one's underpants, and crying.

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