Here's where I speak of that which I do not know. Parenting. Mrs. Jib and I have not yet journeyed down the road of bearing and rearing children. I think I come from some talented parenting stock, though, so I'm going to pop off on the topic so all of you parents out there can roll your eyes and take pot shots at me.
I think the most beautiful word a parent can say to a child is no.
No must be firm, and it must be meant. When the child disobeys 'no', there must be consequences for that action. I'm open to various parenting techniques when it comes to the consequences, but it must be swift and real.
'No' has really stuck in my brain the last 24 hours. Last night, Mrs. Jib and I settled in to watch Nanny 911 over our dinner. The Nanny had her hands full. Not only did she have petulant children to deal with, she also had petulant parents, particularly the mother. The two children were hell raisers. They hit each other. They hit the mother. They threw stuff at the mother. They were addicted to pacifiers and sippy cups. They stuffed a banana in a sink and turned the water on until the sink over flowed. The children had no respect for the mother what so ever. The father, a military man, they more or less respected. The mom they seemed to relish disobeying. Why? The mom felt the children did not feel loved when she told them no, or when she tried to discipline them. She was incapable of a firm no, and the kids ran wild over her.
Today I was driving home for lunch, listening to the Charlie Sykes show on the radio. Sykes was discussing the Governor of Illinois' plan to criminalize the sale of mature video games to minors. Sykes was raising the concern that Governor Blegojevich's plan was dabbling in censorship. His first caller was a woman who supported the Governor's plan. Her position was that parents need the help, and have needed the help for a long time. Sykes conceded that it is tough to raise kids today, but he asked her, "what about no?" The woman said that no was good, but kids are just so tempted by these things, just like they are with Nikes. I was left thinking that this woman was incapable of a real, firm no to her kids.
I speak as the child of parents who said no so much I thought it was my first name until I was 7. It was a no that meant no. Crying was futile. As Mrs. Jib and I said simultaneously when discussing this, my Dad's response to tears was, "I'll give you something to really cry about." Frankly, no was good for me. It taught me that life would not always go my way, that I couldn't always have what I wanted when I wanted it, and that there were consequences for my every action. 'No' is but one tool that a parent needs to use, but it is a very important one. I can't help but think that fewer parents would be pulling their hair out if they could establish no with their kids. No is a beautiful words.
1 comment:
I think that NO or any form of denial is pivotal in a childs development. What else is going to prepare them for the real world? Everyday adult life is filled with rejection and to let a 20-something kid who has had everything they ever wanted loose on a 40 hour work week is going to be a massacre and that's if they can withstand the rejection they will have to face in getting the job to begin with.
Being a kid is not about having stuff. Stuff is earned and in the long run no one cares how much stuff you have and your amount of stuff will not provide happiness and will lead to resentment towards the parent who provided all the stuff. Very George Carlinesque, aye?
I know this because a widowed mother thought that she could compensate a missing father with gifts. As great as that sounds, it is about the only beef I have with my mother to this day. I think that my son and daughter would much rather have a fresh gallon of milk and 3 boxed cereals to choose from than a new toy everyday. I think that differs from me at that age greatly and I’m proud of that.
Kids should be empowered to take on the world with gusto and with limited rules. Tell your kids that they are extraordinary and get out there and kick some ass. You should never sit a 7 year old down and explain to them that a best case scenario would have them in a middle class tax bracket with a divorce, 2 kids and a mortgage. Your kids can do dynamic world changing things and they don't need your hang-ups added to the pile that they will accumulate on their own over the years. Kids should be praised and encouraged but also as important, kids should know the word NO and understand the chain of command.
My father was a 30 year Navy vet who died when I was 11. To this day I fear that I am no where near where he would want me to be and I need to strive higher everyday to meet the perceived goal he set. I don't wish my son to have the same fear, but if he did I’m sure he would be better for it. It is important to be a person your child can look up to. You child will know if you are a coke-headed loser pervert and I don’t think you can offer your child much with that being your ultimate capacity.
I think the most important thing in raising a child is clear boundaries. Once these are established, there is no room for negotiation and when properly reinforced I can't thing of a better tool. Can you? Both my wife and I have boundaries and I joke that my fence is covered in razor wire and her’s is white picket. I guess they both work and just having that fence is so much more than many parents bother to erect.
Good topic by the way...it struck a nerve.
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