R rated satire

Kerry to target sluts in final two weeks

In an interview with Cinemax today, Kerry campaign official Tad Devine announced a new initiative to get out the slut vote on November. According to Devine, the slut vote was dominated by Clinton in 1992 and 1996, but they stayed in bed in droves in 2000, costing Al Gore the election.

“"We want everyone’s vote to count in this election, and this is a voter group that is traditionally overlooked by the candidates. They really shouldn’t be. It was these women that blew Bill Clinton into power in 1992,"” Devine told Cinemax interviewer Misty Munday, star of the hit movie Playmate of the Apes.

“"The buzz in 1996 was all about the Soccer Moms. We used the term Soccer Moms that year because it was politically incorrect to call them by the more accurate term of ‘Desperate Housewives’, and MILF wasn’t in the American lexicon yet. Today, that’s not a problem. We don’t want to just stop at the married sex mongering women, though. We want all of the sluts.”"

Today John Kerry made his first push to excite sluts by playing center in a touch football game for four hours. John Edwards pitched in by playing quarterback and taking all snaps from under center. Tomorrow Kerry plans to solicit oral sex from a campaign worker during a televised press conference.

According to Devine, Democrats did not do a good enough job chasing sluts in 2000.

“"Look, Gore took a stab at the slut vote. He laid that big smooch on Tipper. He tried to manipulate the press so that whenever women heard ‘Gore’ they thought ‘wood’ and ‘Love Canal’. It all backfired on him horribly, though.

“"We are going to go back to the tried and true Clinton Method. 12 sexual harassment lawsuits will be filed against Kerry between now and election day. This will show the slut voters that Kerry really is a sexual dynamo with unbridled passions.”"

The Bush campaign will reportedly counter by going after the “haggard old bitch” vote.

The above was satire, and you probably did not like it. Blame Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Their movies made me do it.