ACLU & the Vote

Associated Press
Today the ACLU demanded in a lawsuit filed in Federal Court that everyone who has ever thought of voting have their vote counted. In the brief, lawyers for the ACLU say the evil Republicans have been disenfranchising the poor and minorities since the dawn of time by not reading their minds and counting their votes.

According to ACLU spokesman Willard Tokitup, it is just too difficult for the poor and minorities to vote in America.

“We have studied this problem in depth, and we’ve determined that the poor and minorities have too many stumbling blocks placed in front of them for their votes to have been effectively counted since homo erectus first slept a day away in a cave, missing a chance to vote on who would get the largest piece of wooly mammoth for dinner. Therefore, we have filed a lawsuit to rectify this situation. We can read the minds of the poor and minorities. Because of this, we plan to submit ballots on behalf of these downtrodden sods who cannot make it to the polls because they work multiple jobs, have to take the bus, need to take the shopping cart to the shop, or simply cannot pull their head out of a puddle of vomit along side a curb in New York City. Via our mind reading skills, we’ve determined that 25 million additional votes must be place for Kerry/Edwards this November, and approximately 6 additional votes must be placed for Bush/Cheney, although we have mental health professionals evaluating those six individuals to determine if they are of a mental state sound enough to make that decision.”

When asked the White House’s opinion on this lawsuit, White House Spokesman Scott McLellan said “Well, we don’t believe…” when Willard Tokitup came into the press conference, rightly drowning out the propaganda from McLellan, stating, “This White House has no right to abridge our right to our opinion and our exercise of free speech. The ACLU expects the opinions of those we represent to be heard, and we will not stand for this fascist administration which seeks to drown out and silence our voice.”

The ACLU says that it is showing compassion and consideration by not asking the court to overturn the corrupt elections of George H.W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, and Dwight Eisenhower. All Republican presidents, actually, except Lincoln, who everyone knows was really a Democrat. Tokitup is considering a separate suit to make Bill Clinton President for life.

If you enjoyed this satirical piece, good. If not, tohelwitcha.