Bluetopia

So, the whiny liberals of the blue states want to pull their states out of the Union, eh? Well, good for them, I hope they do it. I like Missouri and Ohio, and I’ll gladly relocate to accommodate their new state of Bluetopia. Don’t get me wrong, I love Wisconsin, but I really would love to see the system put in place by the United States of Bluetopia. I’d love to see it because this is what I envision:

The first course of action for the U.S.B. would an all out war on poverty and homelessness. Bluetopia would show great compassion on the poor, this is without doubt. The first thing they would do is close all of the low cost housing and replace it with expensive new condos or fashionable housing. After all, urban renewal lifts property values, and that just has to help the poor. Next, Bluetopia would eliminate all public conduct laws. No more would the homeless be held down by the man. They could now urinate and defecate on public streets without fear of jail time, where they’d get a warm room and a warm meal for the night. And don’t forget about the masturbation. The homeless have it rough-where’s a guy to release a little pressure if he doesn’t have a home? Public masturbation would be a beautiful expression of personal sexuality, so not only would it be legalized, it would be encouraged in Bluetopia. Next, free needles for all the poor! This would be particularly important because Bluetopia would rush to decriminalize drugs, and with cheaper, legal drugs flooding the streets, they’d need the free needle program to head of a boom HIV cases. Oh, and don’t forget, free condoms for everyone. Since housing for the poor would be and issue with all of the new urban development, the homeless would be allowed to sleep in libraries, city halls, and the produce aisle at the Organic Food Mart (Piggly Wiggly would be outlawed in Bluetopia). The truly troublesome homeless-that small minority that isn’t alcoholic, drug addicted, or mentally-ya know, the ones who have just hit a bad stretch, they’d be deported to ‘Jesusland’. Those folk just don’t need the help the way the rest do.

Next, all medical care would be free. Some people just can’t afford insurance, so therefore everyone should have equivalent health care. In Bluetopia’s Blue Shield program (no Blue Cross, as the word “cross” will be banned in Bluetopia), if you get a cold, you simply need to fill out 144 pages of paperwork, and then make an appointment with your government health care representative. 6 weeks later, when you have your appointment with the rep, you’ll then set up an appointment with a doctor. The appointment will be another 10 weeks out. Once you actually get to your appointment, you’ll find out that your rep actually forgot to make the appointment, so you’ll have to go through the entire process again. After, that is, you spend three days on the phone getting the run around by government health reps. When you finally get to see the doctor, he’ll tell you that he is very concerned about a large growth he sees, so he’ll set you up for an MRI and then emergency surgery. In 16 months, when you get your MRI, they’ll cancel your emergency surgery which was scheduled for the following year, because your cancer is terminal. If only it had been found sooner.

Abortions would be exceedingly rare in Bluetopia. Sex Ed for children would begin in pre-school. Teachers would show them instructional videos by the top porn stars of the day. The children would then practice putting condoms on bananas, and each would leave class with their very own box of Spongebob Squarepants rubbers. If this didn’t bring down the teen pregnancy rate, it would be okay. After all, the waiting list for an abortion would be approximately 15 months. After the waiting list hit 8 months, though, the Supreme Court of Bluetopia will rule that a woman has the right to choose what’s right for her body or anything that’s ever been inside her body. This would clear the way for post birth abortion. It’s a simple procedure that is absolutely painless They simply shove a turkey baster up the nose of the woman’s post fetal tissue and suck the brain matter out. No pain for the woman whatsoever. In an interesting aside to the Court’s decision, women would also have the right to abort the genitalia of any man they ever had sexual relations with.

Oh yes, everything would be peachy keen in Bluetopia. Only electric cars would be allowed. Once the Bluetopians figure out that their air is no cleaner than it was because demand on coal electricity plants has risen, they’ll simply import their electricity from those dirty hounds in Jesusland. The tax rate for the richest of the rich is merely 98%. The poorest receive a $40,000 tax refund. Bluetopian corporations are allowed to do business with anyone in the world, as long as they themselves only buy from other Bluetopian companies. Made in Bluetopia stickers abound, as outsourcing is solved by requiring all companies selling their products in Bluetopia to make their products in Bluetopia-unless the work is dangerous or dirty, in which case it is okay for the work to be done in Jesusland. Unemployment would be solved, as the government will employ 95% of the work force. Saying mean things would be abolished as hate speech. Much of the new government employment will be through the Department of Social Consciousness, which determines what people can and cannot say after they say it. All prisoners will be sent to private prisons in Jesusland, because good Bluetopians just do not want that kind of riffraff in their back yards. The military will be abolished in Bluetopia, as will alcohol and smoking cigarettes, while the legalized prostitution, marijuana, and cocaine industries thrive. Yes, my Jesusland friends, we will truly be envious of the Bluetopians as we watch their private jets fly over our Neanderthal heads in Jesusland.